The Pretty Wicked Season Diaries | Pink She Wrote
Spooky season is officially upon us, and apparently, I decided to kick it off by paying money to be terrorized by strangers. How festive of me.
Last week, during my Pretty Wicked Season, I traveled to Orlando, Florida, with my cousins to attend Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights.
Now, I’ve been to Universal Studios before, but this was my first time experiencing their Halloween event. A few years ago, I attended Disney World’s Halloween festivities and had an amazing time. So naturally, I expected Universal to deliver something equally spectacular.
Spoiler alert: It did not.
Was it terrible? No. Was it underwhelming? Absolutely. Would I go again? Girl, keep reading.
Welcome to the Horror Show… I Guess?
Unlike Disney, Universal leans heavily into haunted houses, scare zones, creepy characters, and all things designed to make grown adults scream like somebody just canceled their direct deposit.
There were also a handful of rides available, including Revenge of the Mummy (my personal favorite), Men in Black, Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts, and Transformers.
Personally, I only rode Revenge of the Mummy and Men in Black.
When we entered the park, it was PACKED. Which, of course, was expected. Everywhere you turned, there were horror displays, photo opportunities, scary clowns, recognizable horror characters, aliens, and whatever-the-fuck some of those other creatures were supposed to be.
The atmosphere was giving Halloween chaos.
And I was here for it.
At least initially.
The Haunted House That Almost Took Us Out Before We Even Entered
My cousins and I decided to tackle the rides first before heading to one of our most anticipated attractions: The Sinners Haunted House.
The wait time? Approximately 75 minutes.
Now, I expected long lines. What I didn’t expect was Orlando’s humidity trying to collect one of my cousins as a sacrifice.
It was HOT. Humid. Sticky. The kind of weather that makes you question why you willingly left an air-conditioned building.
Unfortunately, one of my cousins became dehydrated and started feeling faint, so we immediately left the line to make sure she was okay.
Thankfully, Universal’s staff was incredibly attentive and provided her with a wheelchair.
And just like that, our spooky adventure became a medical drama on wheels.
My other cousin and I were now responsible for navigating this wheelchair through a crowded theme park.
Sounds simple, right?
WRONG.
We’re both tall, so pushing the wheelchair meant awkwardly bending over while simultaneously trying not to run over innocent pedestrians.
Imagine two tall women hunched over a wheelchair, navigating thousands of people like we’re transporting royalty through a zombie apocalypse.
It was a mess.
But at least our cousin was feeling better.
Krusty Burger? More Like Crusty Burger.
Eventually, hunger came knocking, so we walked—and rolled—our way over to Springfield, aka Simpsons Land, to grab something to eat.
One cousin ordered a pretzel. The other ordered pizza.
And me?
I made the unfortunate decision to order a Krusty Burger.
BABY. THAT BURGER WAS DISGUSTING.
First of all, I’m not entirely convinced that beef patty had ever met a cow.
The texture reminded me of those questionable elementary school cafeteria burgers. You know, the rubbery ones that bounce back when you bite into them?
THAT.
No amount of cheese, lettuce, bread, or sauce could save that tragedy.
I’ve eaten burgers at Disney World before, and let me tell you something.
Mickey Mouse would NEVER disrespect my taste buds like that.
I should’ve gotten the damn pretzel.
Lesson learned.
Stranger Things: A Show We Never Watched About a Show We Never Watched
After our culinary disappointment, we attended a Stranger Things-themed water projection show.
It was pretty cool.
For approximately five minutes.
Then we got bored and left before it ended.
Now, before the Stranger Things fandom comes for my neck, let me clarify something.
None of us have actually watched Stranger Things.
So perhaps the emotional connection wasn’t connecting.
We were just three women watching spooky images projected onto water, waiting for something to happen.
Eventually, we moved along.
The Stranger Things Haunted House Almost Turned Me Into the Villain
Finally, we entered our first haunted house of the night: Stranger Things.
And this is where things got unnecessarily chaotic.
Remember, my cousin was still in her wheelchair, which meant we had to move through the haunted house in a single-file line.
My cousin in the wheelchair was in front of me, and my other cousin, who gets scared ridiculously easily, was behind me.
So there I was, pushing a wheelchair through a dark haunted house while monsters jumped out from every direction.
Multitasking was already at an all-time high.
Then my cousin behind me started grabbing and touching me every time she got scared.
GIRL.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF THAT’S YOU OR A DEMON?!
Naturally, I started jumping too.
And every time I jumped, the wheelchair lurched forward.
Unfortunately, there was a man walking directly in front of my cousin’s wheelchair.
And apparently, I kept hitting his heels.
Not once.
But twice.
Eventually, he turned around to inform me that I kept running into him.
SIR, I AM FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE BACK HERE.
Between the jump scares, my cousin grabbing me, trying to safely push a wheelchair, and attempting not to commit accidental vehicular assault on someone’s ankles, I was OVERSTIMULATED.
I couldn’t even enjoy the haunted house because I was too busy trying to survive the logistics.
By the time we made it out, I felt like I had completed a military obstacle course.
Never again.
Or so I thought.
The Wheelchair Came With VIP Benefits, and Suddenly We Were Celebrities
Now, while navigating the wheelchair was initially a struggle, we eventually discovered something interesting.
The accommodations were AMAZING.
Universal’s staff went above and beyond to assist us.
Long ride lines? Staff directed us through accessible routes.
Live performances? We were escorted to accessible seating near the front.
Suddenly, our little trio was receiving the kind of attention that made us feel like VIP guests.
And listen.
I’m not saying we got carried away.
But I may or may not have told my cousin:
“Girl, you’re staying in that wheelchair until this park closes.”
Because why were we suddenly living like Universal royalty?!
Was that an inappropriate joke? Absolutely.
Did we enjoy the convenience? Also absolutely.
Of course, accessibility accommodations exist for people who genuinely need them, and my cousin did need assistance that evening. But the way our entire experience changed once staff started helping us was almost comical.
For a brief moment, I understood what it felt like to be escorted around like a celebrity.
Minus the celebrity.
And the money.
And the dignity.
A Ravenclaw Gone Rogue: My Brief Career as a Death Eater
Before returning to the Sinners haunted house, we decided to make a little detour to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
And FINALLY, something I could get excited about.
BUTTERBEER, BABY!
Of course, I had to get my beloved Butterbeer because what’s the point of visiting the Wizarding World if you’re not going to indulge in a little magical diabetes?
But apparently, Butterbeer wasn’t the only thing calling my name that night.
The Dark Arts were recruiting.
You see, I’m a proud Ravenclaw. We’re supposedly the wise, intelligent, creative, and slightly nerdy members of the Hogwarts community.
Basically, the gifted kids who probably remind the teacher about homework.
But that night?
I didn’t want to be wise.
I didn’t want to be responsible.
I WANTED TO BE BAD.
So naturally, I decided to embrace my inner villain and get initiated as a Death Eater.
Yes, a RAVENCLAW Death Eater.
Somewhere, Professor Flitwick was probably clutching his pearls.
During the Death Eater experience, these dark, mysterious figures stormed through the Harry Potter attraction, dramatically waving their wands, intimidating innocent visitors, and looking like they had some very serious unfinished business with Harry Potter.
And there I was, following them around like an unpaid intern for Voldemort.
We watched them march through different corners of the attraction, waving their wands and causing magical chaos.
The first time? Exciting.
The second time? Still entertaining.
By the third potential round?
Girl, we get it. You’re evil.
After following them twice, my cousins and I decided we’d seen enough.
My brief career as a Death Eater had officially ended.
No benefits. No retirement plan. Not even a complimentary wand.
Honestly, the Dark Lord needs to work on his recruitment package.
But at least I got my Butterbeer.
Once a Ravenclaw, always a Ravenclaw. Just with a little villainous seasoning.
Leather, Fire, and a Man Who Apparently Hates His Throat
Before returning to Sinners, we decided to catch another live performance.
And BABY.
This show was giving Magic Mike meets Cirque du Soleil meets the gates of Hell.
There were sexy dancers wearing leather and barely anything else, showing off their bodies like the rent was due yesterday.
Acrobatics? Check.
Fire dancers? Check.
Sparklers? Check.
Half-naked people twisting, turning, and performing moves that would send my unathletic ass straight to the emergency room?
DOUBLE CHECK.
Honestly, I was entertained.
Finally, some eye candy that wasn’t trying to jump out of a dark corner and give me a heart attack.
The dancers were serving sex appeal, athleticism, and just the right amount of Halloween wickedness.
I was enjoying myself.
Until…
HERE COMES THIS DISTURBING-ASS MAN WITH A SWORD.
Now, when I say sword, I’m not talking about some little plastic Halloween prop.
I’m talking about a man casually sticking an actual sword down his throat like he was swallowing a spaghetti noodle.
EXCUSE ME?!
SIR?!
WHY?!
I don’t care how talented you are. I don’t need to see your digestive system auditioning for America’s Got Talent.
The moment that sword started disappearing down his throat, I immediately closed my eyes.
NOPE.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I didn’t open them again until I was confident that man and his questionable relationship with sharp objects had left the stage.
Because why am I paying to watch somebody potentially rearrange their internal organs?!
And yes, I understand sword swallowing is a legitimate performance art that requires incredible skill and training.
BUT MY EYEBALLS DID NOT CONSENT TO THAT LEVEL OF ANXIETY.
Between the sexy leather dancers, flames shooting everywhere, and a man deep-throating a sword, this show was certainly something.
Was I entertained? Yes.
Was I disturbed? Also yes.
Would I watch the dancers again? Absolutely.
Would I watch the sword swallower again?
Girl, I’d rather eat another Krusty Burger.
And that’s saying A LOT.
Sinners, Hell, and My Final Straw
After my brief enrollment in the Death Eater program and witnessing a man turn his throat into a sword holder, we finally returned to the Sinners haunted house.
By this point, I had already experienced enough wickedness for one evening.
But apparently, Universal wasn’t finished with me yet.
My cousin was feeling well enough to walk again and had grown tired of being wheeled through dark spaces by two women with questionable driving skills.
Honestly, fair.
So we returned the wheelchair.
And finally, we entered Sinners.
Now THAT haunted house was scary!
The atmosphere, the actors, the jump scares—it definitely delivered more of what I expected from Halloween Horror Nights.
But by then, I had come to a very important realization.
I don’t think haunted houses are for me.
I like spooky aesthetics. I like Halloween decorations. I like a good horror movie from the comfort of my couch.
But paying money to have strangers jump out at me while I’m sweating, walking, and trying not to lose my mind?
Maybe not.
My cousins decided to visit another haunted house, Hellsingers.
Me?
I respectfully declined.
My nervous system had officially clocked out for the evening.
No overtime. No additional assignments. No more demons.
I was done.
Final Verdict: Disney, Come Get Your Girl.
So, was Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights worth experiencing?
Sure.
Am I glad I went?
Yes.
Would I go again?
ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT.
Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe the heat, crowds, long lines, and disappointing food affected my experience. Or maybe I’m simply not the target audience for an event centered around being chased, startled, and psychologically inconvenienced.
And that’s okay.
I tried something new, and now I know.
Personally, I prefer Disney’s approach to Halloween. Give me the decorations, the themed treats, the whimsical atmosphere, and just enough spooky energy without feeling like I need a recovery period afterward.
But here’s the thing.
Even though the event itself was underwhelming, the best part of the entire night was being with my cousins.
I came for Halloween fun, accidentally joined Voldemort’s workforce, watched a man swallow a sword, nearly took out a stranger’s ankles with a wheelchair, and ate a burger that should’ve been investigated by the FDA.
If that’s not a memorable family vacation, I don’t know what is.
Between all the chaos, we created memories that were far more entertaining than some of the attractions.
And honestly? That’s what made the trip worthwhile.
Sometimes the experience isn’t amazing, but the people you’re experiencing it with make it unforgettable.
So next Halloween, I’m hoping we’ll take our festivities back to Disney World.
Mickey, prepare the castle.
Your girl is coming home.
Now, Pink Besties, let’s talk!
Have you ever attended Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights? Did you love it, or were you counting down the minutes until you could leave?
And when it comes to Halloween festivities, are you Team Disney or Team Universal?
Drop your experiences in the comments. Especially if you’ve ever paid good money to be scared and immediately regretted your financial decisions.
Stay pretty. Stay wicked. And please, stay hydrated.
— Pink She Wrote 💗