I take SSRIs to protect my mind and my nervous system. If you struggle with constant, gnawing anxiety, this kind of treatment might be exactly what you need too.
This is my first year on SSRIs after nearly a decade of severe anxiety. If I could go back in time, I would have started sooner. I did not realize anxiety was slowly taking over my life and sabotaging who I was.
I remember my very first anxiety symptom at seventeen: a tight feeling in my throat that would not go away. As the years passed, more symptoms piled on:
| Symptoms (just in case my writing is chicken scratch) |
|---|
| Chills |
| Chest Tightness |
| Concentration Issue/Dissociation |
| Depersonalization/Derealization |
| Difficulty Speaking |
| Dizziness |
| Fear |
| Feeling Ill |
| Tension Headaches |
| Heart Racing |
| Insomnia |
| Lightheadedness |
| Low Energy |
| Muscle Tension |
| Nausea |
| Tiredness |
| Forgetfulness |
| Mood Swings |
| Hotflashes |
| Scratching |
| Blurred Vision |
| Clearing my throat |
| Difficulty Swallowing |
| Lump in Throat |
| Abdominal Pain |
| Bloating |
| IBS |
| Tension |
The last straw came when I could not get out of bed because my mind and body were that exhausted. I had never been depressed before, and I was not about to let anxiety drag me there. So I finally booked an appointment with a psychiatrist.
My first psychiatrist prescribed Prozac to treat my anxiety. She chose it partly because my mother also takes Prozac and has done really well on it.
I was terrified to take the pills at first. They were capsules, and I have always had a fear of choking on big pills. On top of that, I was scared of the side effects. I had to psych myself up and pray before I finally swallowed that first pill on Valentine’s Day. How romantic.
The first four days were smooth. Then day five hit and everything went topsy turvy: extreme anxiety attacks out of nowhere. I had read that starting Prozac would be rough at first but that it gets better within weeks, and it did. The rest of that week was hard to push through, but the waves of anxiety attacks kept getting smaller.
Out of every side effect, the strangest one was the emotional blunting. I could not feel much of anything. At first that felt kind of amazing, since I am a deeply sensitive person. But over time it started to feel like I was a robot, or AI. Someone could tell me something that clearly called for a real emotional reaction, and instead of actually feeling it, I would just perform feeling it. Fake as hell. For example:
Friend: My boyfriend broke up with me!
Old me: WHAT?!
Prozac me: That’s… sad?
It took nearly three months to actually feel my feelings again.
Now I have been on Prozac for six plus months, and I feel so much better. My passion for writing and creativity came back. I am sleeping better.
This year, medicated, I am relearning who I am without anxiety running every single decision. Do I still get anxious? Yes. But it is brief now, and manageable.
If you are dealing with severe anxiety and thinking about medication, talk to your doctor. And hear me on this: there is nothing wrong with taking meds to function in life. Adulting is overwhelming enough without your own brain working against you. Our bodies are not perfect machines. Every single one of us is missing something we need to function, and that is exactly where medicine can step in. Do not let anyone make you feel small about that.
If you have questions about anxiety, starting meds, or just want to share your own story, drop a comment below. I will be there to talk it through with you.
