We have all been there. Deep in the delulu trenches, making excuses for a man who has given us every reason not to. This is not a callout. This is a mirror. Grab your tea, sit down, and let’s get into the thoughts that keep women stuck.
“I am the only girl he is talking to or interested in”
No, you’re not. Trust, there are other women he is talking and texting with, not just you. They say men cannot multitask, but they sure as hell can multitask women they find attractive or who make them feel validated.
Why? Men are raised by the village to have options. Women are raised to be loyal to one, him. That double standard shows up early. Boys get praised for “playing the field.” Girls get called names for the exact same behavior. This is not an accident, it is a socialization pattern that plays out across dating culture, from locker room talk to the way male friend groups egg each other on to “keep their options open.”
That same conditioning is why a higher body count is normalized for men and shamed in women, and why men expect you to stay and hope for changed behavior after the first few inconveniences, ghosting, bare minimum energy, slow replies, while he keeps juggling other women in the background. If he is not consistent, texting sporadically, disappearing for days, giving you the bare minimum effort, that inconsistency is data. It usually means his attention is split, not that he is “just busy.”
“He will never do that to me”
Like Hades said in a Disney animated movie, “he’s a guy.” It does not matter how beautiful, smart, wise, spiritual, religious, or sexy you are. He will mess up sooner or later.
Why? Unlike women, men often lack foresight, the ability to predict the consequences of their own impulsive decisions. This is not a personal insult, it shows up in behavioral research on impulse control and risk taking, where men on average score higher on impulsivity measures and lower on long term consequence weighing. It does not mean every man is incapable of thinking ahead, but it does mean you cannot assume he will act on your behalf just because you would never do the same thing to him.
If he has been in previous relationships, do your own digging into what went wrong. Ask him about his exes, and pay attention not just to what he says but how he says it. Does he take any accountability, or is every ex “crazy”? A man who cannot name one thing he did wrong in a past relationship is telling you exactly what he will do in this one. Even when he gives you his version, still research and discern quietly behind the scenes, mutual friends, social media history, patterns in how he talks about women, because you could become the next chapter in a pattern he has already lived out before.
“If I do _ for him, he will do the same for me”
He won’t. Women are resourceful. We find quick, clever ways to overcome difficulties. We are natural nurturers, wired to care for and encourage the growth of others. That is exactly why men cannot leave us alone. They know the honey we built in our own hive, and they want to drink from it until the hive runs dry and hollow.
This shows up in real, measurable ways. Studies on emotional labor in relationships consistently find women carry more of the invisible work, remembering birthdays, managing the social calendar, checking in on his mental health, softening hard conversations so he does not get defensive. Women often keep giving because we assume effort is reciprocal by nature. It is not. Reciprocity has to be modeled, expected, and enforced, or it does not happen on its own. Watch what he does after you stop initiating, stop planning, stop softening things for him. If the relationship goes quiet, you had your answer the whole time.
“I can change him”
No, you cannot. Unless he wants to change himself, and that is about as rare as finding a four leaf clover. Change has to come from the individual. Others can support him, but he has to want it first.
This lines up with what most therapists will tell you about behavior change: it only sticks when the motivation is internal. External pressure, an ultimatum, tears, threats to leave, might produce a short burst of “good behavior,” but it fades the second the pressure lifts, because nothing about his actual belief system shifted. That is why the same fight tends to repeat itself in a relationship. You are not fighting about the dishes or the late text back, you are fighting about a root behavior that was never actually addressed.
In most cases, men do not want to change. They would rather sabotage the relationship and move on to the next woman who has no idea about his toxic patterns yet, so he gets to keep being exactly who he already knows he is. A fresh start with someone new is easier than doing the internal work, so many men will keep choosing the fresh start.
“He’ll choose me over everyone else eventually”
Are you really that desperate to sit around waiting for him to finally see your worth? While you wait, he is already talking to other women.
This is called the sunk cost fallacy, and it is one of the most common traps in dating. The longer you invest time, energy, and emotional labor into someone, the harder it feels to walk away, even when the return on that investment is clearly not there. But time already spent is gone either way. The only real question is whether you keep spending more of it on someone who has shown you where his attention actually goes. Move on. And do not forget your crown.
“I don’t want to be alone”
No one wants to be alone. But that does not mean you settle, lower your standards, or compromise for bullshit.
Fear of being alone is one of the most exploited vulnerabilities in dating. Men can sense when you are lonely, whether it comes through in how fast you reply, how much you tolerate, or how little you push back, and the wrong ones will treat that as an opening rather than something to respect. Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. You can be surrounded by the wrong relationship and feel more isolated than you ever would on your own. Solitude while you hold your standards will always beat company that costs you your self-worth.
Stay tuned for part 2. Want to be notified? Subscribe to the blog.
